Get Help - For My Partner or Friend

Common Reactions

Whatever the status and make-up of the relationship, there are feelings and reactions commonly experienced by the significant other or friend of someone who has survived sexual assault. You are not alone.

• As a partner or friend, you may find yourself confused about sexual assault and wonder if and how it could have been prevented.
• You might find it difficult to listen when your partner or friend wishes to talk about certain aspects of the assault. You may find yourself wishing it could just go away.
• You might be hesitant to let others know about the assault for fear of how they may react to you or your partner or friend.
• You may experience feelings of guilt or responsibility, believing that somehow you could have prevented the assault.
• It is not uncommon to feel anger at your partner and at others around you, or to harbor a need for revenge against the assailant.
• You might also be unsure about how to approach the issue of physical intimacy with your partner.

All of these feelings are understandable when someone you care about has been sexually assaulted.

These are just a few of the reactions a person may have. They are not unique to sexual assault; anyone in crisis may show some of these behaviors. As a friend, you are a good judge of what emotions and behaviors are common for your friend. If your friend begins to act in an atypical manner for no apparent reason, do not be afraid to ask directly what is wrong. You may be the first person to respond to your friend's problem and, for a victim of sexual assault, this is the starting point of recovery.

The important thing to remember is that these feelings need to be recognized and addressed by both you and your partner, so as not to create further distress in an already traumatic situation. The Student Counseling Center can help. For more information or to schedule an appointment, please call (812) 237-3939.

Try To Remember

Rape and sexual assault are not acts of sexual motivation or sexual gratification, but rather acts of violence that use sex to dominate, humiliate, and control. Many people confuse this violence with sex because the same body parts are involved. Therefore, sometimes people respond to a survivor of a sexual assault as if they had provoked, wanted, or enjoyed it. To the contrary, the assault often leaves the survivor with a deep sense of violation and emotional upset. Understanding this reality of sexual assault is important to the processes of healing and recovery for you and your partner.

Helpful Strategies

There is no prescribed method of healing from sexual assault because each person's experience will vary. Healing takes time and begins with compassionate support from loved ones and friends. Here are some strategies that you may find useful in helping your friend recover from the trauma they have experienced.¹

• Believe your friend. Studies have shown that the reaction of the first person to whom a survivor discloses their story, whether positive or negative, will affect the way in which healing occurs.Believing your friend without question or hesitation is the most important thing you can do for them.
• Be there. Listen non-judgmentally. It is a natural response to analyze and question when someone tells us a story. However, active listening skills teach us to talk less and listen more. Never question a survivor's actions, details of the assault, or why your friend feels the way they do. If you are having difficulty understanding what your friend is saying, try to clarify by paraphrasing what you do understand. In addition, you can reflect back to the person the feelings you have heard them share to ensure that you are not assuming your friend's feelings reflect your own beliefs or judgments.
• Assure your friend that it is not their fault and that they are not to blame for the assault in any way. Survivors of sexual assault often blame themselves for what has happened. It is important that we help them understand that--no matter what happened--it was not their fault.
• Assure your friend they are not alone. Survivors of sexual assault often feel isolated, scared, and powerless. You can be the most helpful just by being there. Your presence can reassure the survivor and allow them to work out their feelings in a safe environment.
• Empower your friend. Because rape and other types of sexual assault are crimes that take away an individual’s power, it is important not to compound this experience by putting pressure on your loved one to do things that they are not yet ready to do. Remember, it is always up to the survivor to make choices that will affect the healing process. Providing your friend with resources and options will help them regain the control that was lost.
• If your loved one is willing to seek medical attention or report the assault, offer to accompany them wherever they need to go (health center, police station, etc.).

Helpful Phrases

Below are helpful phrases that you can use to empower a survivor of sexual assault or encourage your friend to talk:

• What do you want to do?
• How do you feel about that?
• Tell me more about ___
• What have you tried so far?
• What does that mean to you?
• What do you think about that?
• What is it that bothers you about that?
• In what way?
• Do you want to___
• What would you like?
• What would you like to see happen?
• What I'm hearing you say is?
• What is the best thing that could happen?
• What is the worst thing that could happen?

Things to Avoid

Actions and phrases to avoid when helping a survivor of sexual assault:

• No more violence! We often want to respond to violence with aggressive action. This is not helpful for your friend who has been assaulted and it could make things worse.
• Evaluating: avoid phrases like, “You shouldn't…” “You ought to…” or “You're wrong.”
• Interpreting, analyzing, and diagnosing: “You're doing that because...”
• Warning, ordering, threatening: “If you don't do ___, you'll regret it.”
• Criticizing, blaming: “This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't...”
• Interrogating, cross examining: “When did it happen?” “Where did it happen?” “Why did you do that?”
• Advising, offering solutions: “I think you should ___...”
• Giving too positive evaluations: “I'm sure you'll be fine.” “It will all work out.”
• Distracting, diverting: “It isn't that bad.” “Let's talk about something more pleasant.”